If 2016’s Worst Films Were Drag Race Competitors

2016 has proven to be a terrible year for life in general but a great one at the movies – even if we have had an abundance of true clunkers. But how can I bring myself to make a worst of the year list? Look, it’s not always fun to talk about bad movies especially when, like me, you just want everything to be great. So: since dwelling on the worst can be a real drag, let’s imagine the movies I hate as something I truly love: the queens of RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Because if you can’t love the worst films of the year, how in the hell are you gonna love the best films of the year? And because, for the movies killing the positive vibes, in the words of Detox…

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So what queens embody the year’s worst films?

 

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Honorable Mention – Collateral Beauty (Nicole Paige Brooks)
Because it feels so mean to pick on this movie that tries so hard. Its lack of self-awareness is both its most charming aspect and why it falls so hard.. It was just never going to work, but its lunacy is quite entertaining. You know you want the pie!

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5. Nocturnal Animals (Phi Phi O’Hara)
Talks a big game but only unravels when it needs to support itself with the goods. Overly calculating with little follow through. What does pretty matter with an attitude this toxic? And actually the aesthetics are mostly inconsistent. Like Phi Phi, the qualitative badness could be arguable, but the impulses sink the ship.

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4. The Girl on The Train (Dida Ritz)
Its aimlessness and bad construction is its undoing, underserving its best attributes. Unable to go big OR go home – one very slow slog into the inevitable grim conclusion. It does have that one fantastic performance though.

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3. Sully (India Ferrah)
From afar this one seems fine, but none of its piece work together like they should. The hideous visual effects are the film’s version of India’s breastplate that it paid $600 whole dollars for and dammit it is going to wear them. A lot of antiquated nonsense in its ideology – pick this one up and throw it.

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2. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (Laganja Estranja)
Not entertaining, just distractingly loud and obnoxious. It’s single-handedlly rescued thanks to its badass female friend (Adore Delano truly is Wonder Woman). Should and could have been a slam dunk if not for everything it does to actively work against itself. Gets too caught up in the bullshit. But I’m hopeful for the future!

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1. Rules Don’t Apply (Milan)
Not so much a lack of vision as a competing conglomeration of bad ideas. Over-performative without a shred of nuance, this one throws everything at the wall and creates a mess that brings everyone down with it. When the bright spots are the least distinct, you’ve got a major stinker. Simply the crunchiest. It’s so depressing that this will likely be Warren Beatty’s last creation (Milan has since quit drag).

And with that, a final word to all of the bad movies of 2016:

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